My new hero – Riaan Cruywagen

Riaan Cruywagen

  • Riaan Cruywagen never has his back to you, in fact Riaan has no back.
  • Riaan Cruywagen is fluent in twenty seven of the eleven official languages.
  • Riaan Cruywagen knows the news before it happens.
  • Riaan Cruywagen knew you would say that.
  • Riaan Cruywagen is cryogenically frozen every night for EXACTLY eight hours. His brain impulses are monitored during this and used as templates for deciphering elaborate ancient manuscripts.
  • Riaan Cruywagen had a telekinetic showdown with Johan Stemmet. After draining all of Stemmet’s powers and rendering him severely retarded, he created Noot vir Noot and made Stemmet the host.
  • Some people believe Riaan Cruywagen wears a toupee – he has, in fact, one perfect hair. The one that covers his entire head – giving it that, ‘not quite real’ look.
  • If Riaan Cruywagen does not read it out on the 8 o’clock news, it never happened.
  • One night during an ad break on the 8 o’clock news, Riaan Cruywagen mentioned to the makeup lady that he was ‘tired of this apartheid nonsense’ Nelson Mandela was released from prison the next day.
  • Riaan Cruywagen wasn’t born, he thought himself into existence.
  • Riaan Cruywagen never blinks; if he does the entire world would just not happen for that split second.
  • When Sir Edmund Hillary reached the summit of Mount Everest, he was welcomed by Riaan Cruywagen, who briefly interviewed him, before wiring the information through to the SAUK.
  • The SAUK is actually a front for a secret society of Swiss Bankers who manipulate the world’s economy, and is chaired by non other than his most Worshipful Master, Riaan Cruywagen.
  • In binary code the word “Riaan Cruywagen” looks like the shroud of Turin.
  • Riaan Cruywagen will never die. His soul gets transferred to another identical body via various arcane rituals and current nano-technology thrice fortnightly.
  • Bruce Willis’ character in Die Hard is based on the unpublished autobiography written by Riaan Cruywagen at the age of 15.
  • Riaan Cruywagen does not believe in Chuck Norris.
  • Riaan Cruywagen’s first job was tutoring Pythagoras.
  • After reading the news Riaan Cruywagen built the pyramids. It took precisely 1 minutes to draw up the plans and then a further six minutes to think them into existence.

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