Tag Archives: Human Interest

Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew

1.Sometimes we just don’t want to talk. Don’t take it personally.

2.We notice other women because we are men and we are alive. This does not mean we’re planning to dump you and jump them.

3.Our favorite T-shirts are not “disgraceful.” They show our loyalty to our college, our favorite sports team, our favorite beer, our favorite vacation or number 23.

4.Helpless is not cute.

5.Get to the point.

6.Understand that men are single-minded and can only do one thing at a time. So don’t talk to us while we’re doing something. We will either ignore you, because we don’t hear you “honestly), or we’ll screw up what we’re doing because you’ve distracted us.
Exception to Rule 6. Interrupt us if something is on fire, if someone needs immediate medical attention, if Pamela Lee is on TV or if there is an emergency that needs a hero.

7.You can’t complain that there are no good guys around while some of us are still single.

8.If you ask us, “Do you think she’s prettier then me?” we just might say, “Yes.” Then what are you going to do?

9.Don’t expect even a great relationship with us to solve all your problems. Just because we love you, doesn’t mean your cellulite, your credit card debt or your bad mood will disappear.

10.We would not wear high heels to impress you.

11.Breathe occasionally so we can get a word in.

12.For us, driving is not just a means of going from point A to point B. It’s an opportunity to control a couple of tons of steel. We drive, therefore, we are.

13.If you want us to notice something, help us out by saying something like, “I went to the beauty shop today.”

14.If you have to have a cat, at least don’t call him “Mister” anything.

15.Hide the self help books when we come over. They make us nervous.

16.We need to vegetate.

17.We don’t go shopping. When we need something, we buy it.

18.We believe our bodily functions are perfectly normal and, at times, quite amusing.

19.We don’t believe you when you say money isn’t important to you.

20.When we see pictures of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones we feel proud and happy to be men. We don’t care if it’s not fair.

21.It’s not that we don’t want to make you happy, it’s just that sometimes, we don’t know how.

22.Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down.

23.If it itches, it will be scratched.

24.If you ask a question you don’t really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn’t want to hear.

25.Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

26.Don’t ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

27.Sundays equals sports. Period.

28.Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

29.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

30.You have enough clothes.

31.You have too many shoes.

32.Crying is blackmail.

33.Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

34.Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!

35.No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar you know we check.

36.We’re not mind readers and we never will be. OUr lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

37.Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair – out of 30 – would look good with your dress?

38.Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

39.Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

40.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

41.Check your oil.

42.Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

43.It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together.

44.It doesn’t matter which quiz.

45.Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

46.If you won’t dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

47.If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

48.You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

49.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

50.Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

51.If you wear a Wonderbra and a low-cut blouse, you lose the right to complain about having your boobs stared at.

52.Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

53.Men see a limited number of colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

54.Ditto melon.

55.If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing is wrong.

Church Jokes

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. “Mom, I think I’m going to throw up!” She told him, “I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you.” So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. “Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?”

“I didn’t have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.”

Heaven Jokes

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator …”